Transitions. Life continually shifts and transforms. An overused cliché I know, but change really is the only constant. The more I understand and accept this, the easier it is for me to move smoothly and gracefully through life.
This post is definitely long overdue, I took some much needed time to rebuild, recharge and refocus. So, why haven’t I posted something in such a long time…Gabby and I decided to move in different directions. We both struggled with this difficult decision and ultimately decided that we each needed to take a path authentic to our individual journeys. This past year has definitely been one of the more challenging, but also a more enlightening one as well.
Heartbreak, after heartbreak, after heartbreak is what I thought to myself. It seems as though I experienced more heartbreak between lovers, friends, family, places, people and things than I would have ever imagined, but what I found most heartbreaking…the realization that I wasn’t fully loving myself. Most days I felt broken, thankfully, I understood that this process of fully letting go is what I truly needed. I changed, I grew and I recognized that this was the end of a chapter.
Since moving to San Diego I’ve spent the last six months getting to know myself again. I only knew myself in relation to other people. When I was alone I started to ask myself, "Who am I, what do I want and what is my purpose?" These are some of the soul questions Deepak Chopra, international renowned author and public speaker, recommends you ask yourself daily. As I asked myself these questions the answers changed pretty drastically from day to day. Once I became more grounded and discovered the root of my problems, the answers became clear. I stopped letting other people exert as much power over my thoughts and actions and instead began paying attention to myself.
I didn’t know how to manage my discomfort through all the transitions. I realized I was actually using yoga and meditation as a distraction. Of course these practices allowed me the time and space to get closer to myself, but not close enough for the true healing I longed for. Yoga, meditation or really anything "spiritual" was my escape. I created moments of peace in my whirlwind of a life as opposed to actually creating a peaceful life. More questions I had to ask, "Was I finally ready to accept myself and why wasn’t I listening to my heart?" In that moment I knew I had to make a change. I needed a path back home, to me, to my soul.
I found this realization pretty shocking, but it really all comes back to understanding change. It’s easy to overlook the importance of discovering new things about ourselves as we evolve. It seems kind of obvious, but this insight helped me gain a deeper awareness and acceptance of myself. I always sign my blogs with, “Shine True,” as a means to convey, radiate you…your true you. Sometimes you think you know yourself, until you dive in deeper, and then you realize you were just below the surface. As you continue to learn, grow and shift, what is meaningful and what is authentic to you can change.
I discuss meditation as a method for finding truth and authenticity, yet there I was, adrift and in the dark. Luckily, it seems as though we are intrinsically resilient, we possess the ability to rebound and come back to ourselves, no matter how difficult the situation. The Yoga Sutras includes a section about Kleshas, or afflictions, these afflictions are the barriers to true enlightenment. One affliction, Avidya, is essentially a false reality we create. Oftentimes, it’s not even intentional, however, living in a false reality makes finding the self impossible. Meditation is a way to break cycles or grooves we create in our minds.
So, here’s to the end of one chapter and to the beginning of another. My purpose here is to continue on my spiritual journey and encourage others to do the same. I never thought getting to know myself could be so scary and intimidating…the truth is, it's one of the bravest journeys anyone can ever embark on. I've recommitted to sharing my experiences, tools and resources…to stop fighting the darkness and instead be one with it. I believe that's how we find our true source of light.